December 1, 2001 – Derek Jeter / Bubba Sparxxx, Shakira (S27 E7)

Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars

YOU MIGHT BE A TERRORIST
John Ashcroft (DAH) & George W. Bush (WIF) do You Might Be A Terrorist If

— I’m always a sucker for that voice that Darrell uses as John Ashcroft.
— A particularly funny example from Darrell’s Ashcroft on being a terrorist: “If the return address on your mail reads ‘A cave’, then you just might be a terrorist.”
— Very funny part with Will’s President Bush interrupting Ashcroft to tell him he’s starting to sound like Jeff Foxworthy, then saying that’s a good thing because he loves Jeff Foxworthy and wants to join in.
— Bush: “If you have a really long beard, and you hang out in the desert, and you are not in ZZ Top… you just might be a terrorist.”
— Fun cold opening so far, and the very responsive, enthusiastic audience is helping the vibe.
STARS: ****

MONOLOGUE
host causes injuries & mayhem by hitting baseballs into the audience

— This would go on to be an often-played monologue in SNL’s Sports Extra compilation specials.
— A good laugh from the things the audience is heard yelling out after Derek Jeter asks “What’s the one thing a baseball fan wants more than anything?”
— A very simplistic premise to this monologue, but it’s coming off pretty fun in the execution.
— There goes the use of an SNL trademark, the ol’ vomit hose, after one audience member (SNL writer Matt Piedmont, I believe) gets hit multiple times by baseballs.
STARS: ***½

PREPARATION H
Rerun from 9/29/01

MUCHAS IGLESIAS
(host) & brothers Enrique (JIF) & Julio, Jr. (CHK) sing

— Funny Enrique Iglesias impression from Jimmy. Believe it or not, this is the first celebrity impression he’s done all season. Very odd, considering how much more common his impressions were in his first three seasons. In fact, his non-Update airtime seems to have been reduced this season in general.
— Chris’ performance as Julio Iglesias Jr. is okay (I can’t judge the accuracy of the impression), but it feels like he’s played tons of roles in this same voice and demeanor before.
— Derek is funny as a less-appealing third Iglesias Brother. Also a good detail with the oversized, disgusting-looking mole on his face. I also like Rachel’s unexcited reactions to his bizarre attempt at swooning her.
STARS: ***½

YANKEE WIVES
(host) & other Yankee wives hate sluts (David Wells) & (David Cone)

— Derek actually looks pretty convincing in drag… at least facially. Those massive arms of his kinda ruin the illusion.
— I’m getting a lot of good laughs from Amy-as-Chuck-Knoblauch’s-wife’s various jealous lines regarding her husband potentially being with other women.
— Derek’s character: “Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like if The Rock had sex with a Muppet.”
— Funny walk-on from a drag-wearing David Cone and David Wells (the latter still having his facial hair). Huge audience reactions throughout this portion of this sketch.
— A strong and memorable sketch overall.
STARS: ****

PROMO

— When announcing next week’s guests, Don Pardo bizarrely announces Hugh Jackman as “Ralph Jackman”. I know Don is an old, old man by this point, but I have no clue how in the world “Hugh” could ever be misread as “Ralph”. Because they both end with an “h”???

MASSEUSE
music spellbinds inept romantic in daydream about giving host a massage

— After Derek shows reluctance to remove his robe, I got a laugh from Chris saying “One of us is gonna get naked in a few minutes, so it better be you.”
— The audience is loving Chris’ mesmerized, dramatic reactions during the various tender songs he’s playing, but I can’t really say I’m laughing.
— Seeing Chris with his legs wrapped around Derek like that reminds me of his Mr. Peepers character.
— The twist ending was kinda clever, I guess, but what was with the audience breaking out into sketch-ending applause well before the ending scene concluded? Did SNL mistakenly cue the “Applause” lights too early?
STARS: **

DISSING YOUR DOG
(WIF)’s tape shows how to train canines via mockery

 

— I love Will’s calmly-delivered line about how his previous dog-training methods involved starving dogs, locking them in a closet for days, or just beating them mercilessly, which led to three arrests and court-ordered anger management counseling.
— Throughout his SNL tenure, Will seems to have a specialty of doing hilarious dog commercials with a dark theme (e.g. Petchow Rat Poison, Wade Blasingame), and this is his greatest one yet, in my eyes.
— Great concept of Will delivering sarcastic barbs to dogs in order to properly train them. Will is absolutely fantastic here.
— A particularly funny sarcastic run-on barb from Will that ends with “but keep in mind you’re a fu(*bleep*)ing dog.”
STARS: *****

DEREK JETER’S TACO HOLE
host promotes his Mexican restaurant

— The first of a series of “non-actor SNL host does a musical commercial promoting a restaurant they own” sketches, a tradition that I would go on to HATE during their original airing. I’ll try to go into these with a more open mind in this SNL project of mine.
— I remember when this sketch originally aired, it felt to me like an inferior variation of the fantastic Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup sketch.
— I’m not laughing much so far, but this sketch has a pretty fun, infectious charm to it, and Derek is working well here.
— Overall, not bad.
STARS: ***

DEALING WITH MOM AND DAD
host helps youngster (CHK) with his bat technique

— Good opening parody of cheesy sitcom opening credits.
— Lots of airtime for Chris tonight.
— Amy is funny as Chris’ bratty sister.
— Amy, upon seeing Derek Jeter: “Oh my god, if I was 15, I would so have sex with you!”
— A good laugh from how, after Derek takes Chris outside to train him, they return almost IMMEDIATELY in a defeated manner, with Derek telling the parents “Hey, man, your kid sucks.”
— Funny turn with how the “secret technique” that Derek taught Chris turns out to involve him beating his bullies to a pulp with a baseball bat.
— When the cops are heard approaching during the bully-beating scene, I love Derek’s line “I’ll just get Steinbrenner to pay them off again.” I recall some SNL reviewers back at this time asking why a lot of people in the audience booed that line, but I didn’t hear any booing AT ALL when this originally aired, nor do I hear any booing right now as I’m re-watching this. So what were those reviewers talking about?
— A good ending “Next time on Dealing With Mom And Dad” preview scene, regarding a gasoline can and a breakup that Chris’s character is going through.
— I recall once reading somewhere that SNL later attempted to do a second installment of this sketch in the following season’s John McCain episode, which is AFTER Will and Ana both departed from SNL, but the sketch got cut after dress. I can’t quite remember which cast members I read took over Will and Ana’s dad and mom roles in that version the sketch. Possibly Chris Parnell (this was well after he was re-hired) and Maya.
STARS: ****

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
Shakira performs “Whenever, Wherever”

WEEKEND UPDATE
host & SEM do a Point-Counterpoint about whether Derek Jeter sucks

clips of George Harrison’s SNL appearance mark his passing

— Boy, that opening Miss Afghanistan joke from Tina was AWFUL.
— Tina makes up for her opening dud joke with both her solid Britney Spears joke and her very mean-spirited Charlotte Church joke (and unlike the last time Tina told a Norm Macdonald-esque mean-spirited joke about someone, we thankfully don’t have Tina apologizing for the joke immediately afterwards this time).
— Tina continues to be on fire tonight, with the hilarious “Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee Herman masturbating?” rant she’s now doing, which is one of her more memorable moments of her entire Update stint, in my eyes.
— At the end of Tina’s aforementioned Paul Rubens masturbation rant, when she says “Men masturbate all the time”, I love how Jimmy followed it up with an awkward “Rarely, if ever.”
— Ha, now I actually heard booing from tonight’s audience (unlike after the Steinbrenner line in the Dealing With Mom And Dad sketch), in response to Tina’s offensive-but-funny China/moon joke.
— Ah, the return of Point/Counterpoint!
— Already a laugh right from the established topic of Seth and Derek’s Point/Counterpoint: “Derek Jeter Sucks / No I Don’t”.
— Tonight’s Point/Counterpoint commentary further establishes Seth’s Red Sox fan persona in his Update commentaries.
— Seth’s getting a lot of good laughs throughout his and Derek’s Point/Counterpoint. I especially like him confessing that he once vowed that if he ever got within 6 feet of a real Yankee, he’d kick his ass, “… but then I saw you.”
— A classy way to end tonight’s Update, with SNL paying tribute to the recently-deceased George Harrison by showing various clips of him from the season 2 Paul Simon-hosted episode that he was a musical guest in. Nice to see all of this footage again, and it also takes me back to when I reviewed that episode early in this SNL project of mine.
STARS: ****

PEP TALK
in a cave hideout, Osama bin Laden (WIF) tries to boost morale of his men

— SNL finally debuts an Osama Bin Laden impression. Casting Will in this role makes sense, as he previously played Saddam Hussein.
— I like the little detail from Will of him imitating the limp way Osama always holds microphones.
— A funny meta bit with Will’s Osama saying “We got a real hot mic here”, referencing a trademark of the Culps sketches.
— Will’s Osama impression isn’t really turning out to be anything special. I would’ve preferred Will to continue his tradition of portraying famous psychotic men in a humorously very friendly, smiley, jovial manner (e.g. Saddam, Ted Kaczynski, Marshall Applewhite). Well, actually… now that I think about it, no. Portraying Osama as a jovial, likable person probably wouldn’t have exactly gone over well with America so soon after 9/11.
— Osama: “It’s cool to live in a cave; Batman lived in a cave!”
— This sketch hasn’t been doing much for me, though the performances are pretty fun.
— Funny bit regarding a bootleg copy of Harry Potter that Osama has.
— Weak ending.
STARS: **½

MAN PERM
(host)’s friends are concerned that he’s so happy with his home perm

— A good initial laugh from Derek entering in that wig.
— Derek’s pride in his ridiculous perm is very amusing.
— Funny sequence with a big-smiling Derek admiring and touching up his perm into a mirror, especially when he pulls out an afro pick at one point.
— Maya, regarding Derek’s perm: “It’s porno hair!”
— The comments from the group of Derek’s friends about his perm are getting kinda old and feel kinda unnecessary after a while. I understand you need a straight man for a sketch like this, but something about the execution of the straight man portions of this sketch feel kinda off.
— Funny ending with the various magazines/newspaper headlines regarding whether perms are in or not.
STARS: ***

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
Bubba Sparxxx performs “Ugly” & “Lovely”

A HOLIDAY TREAT FOR ALL
as a holiday treat, HOS, CHK, TRM, JIF perform a happy Christmas ditty

— Great fake-out at the beginning with the legitimate professional string quartet, before revealing what it’s REALLY a front for. You guys know how much I love these “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” bits.
— Tracy makes his ONLY appearance of the night. (I feel like I say that every time they do these “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” bits.) For possibly that reason, he looks kinda pissed during this sketch, but it’s probably just me, as he ALWAYS has a dead-serious look on his face during these “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” bits (which is part of what makes them work). However, his dancing-in-place looks more half-hearted than usual tonight.
— On a similar note to Tracy’s half-hearted dancing, Jimmy doesn’t seem as fun-loving and smiley as he usually is during these bits. He’s been surprisingly serious-looking throughout this.
— I love the VERY extended guitar (or whatever instrument that is that Horatio plays in these) solo from Horatio. It’s funny to see Chris trying to keep up with Horatio’s long solo by doing his rhythmic head-shaking in time to Horatio’s frantic guitar-strumming.
STARS: ****

MY BIG THICK NOVEL BY JACK HANDEY
specially-bred children in chapter 772

GOODNIGHTS

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IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— A very solid and fun episode, though the quality dipped a bit with the first few post-Weekend Update sketches. Overall, though, this probably stands out as one of the better and more memorable athlete-hosted episodes in SNL history. The particularly responsive, enthusiastic studio audience also helped the fun vibe of this episode. Considering his limitations as a non-actor, Derek Jeter did well as a host and had some solid moments.

MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS

HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Billy Bob Thornton)
about the same

My full set of screencaps for this episode is here

TOMORROW
“Ralph” Jackman