November 9, 2002 – Nia Vardalos / Eve (S28 E5)

Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars

REPUBLICAN MAJORITY
after midterm elections, George W. Bush (CHP) miscalculates GOP advantage

— (*sigh*) Whoever it was who originally recorded these copies that I watch of this season’s episodes must’ve REALLY hated Parnell’s Bush impression, because the two Parnell-as-Bush cold openings that I’ve covered so far have BOTH been missing their first few minutes in the copies I’m reviewing. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but either way, this is getting really annoying.
— Thankfully, unlike the first time Parnell’s Bush appeared and did an address to the nation, we don’t have Darrell’s Dick Cheney pointlessly and awkwardly standing next to him the whole time. They also thankfully got rid of the unnecessary prosthetic nose Parnell wore as Bush last time.
— A decent math confusion bit with Bush.
— A laugh or two from Bush’s lines after the whole math bit is over.
— I continue to find Parnell’s Bush impression serviceable, and unlike last time, Parnell doesn’t seem to be aping Will Ferrell’s Bush impression as much. Unfortunately, I don’t think Parnell’s Bush ever rises above serviceable in any of his subsequent sketches. While “serviceable at best” isn’t exactly something SNL should be striving for, I sure as hell am not looking forward to what SNL will eventually replace Parnell’s Bush with: Darrell Hammond doing a Bush impression so fucking embarrassing that he makes Parnell look like Ferrell when it comes to playing Bush. I guess a little part of me honestly is kinda looking forward to shitting all over Darrell’s impression in my reviews.
— This cold opening is over already? Dammit, that must mean my copy is missing A LOT of this. Yeah, it definitely is, because now that I’m thinking of it, I remember a number of things in this opening that weren’t in the chunk that’s shown in my copy. Because of all of this, I can’t rate this fairly.
STARS: N/A

MONOLOGUE
host is greeted by TIF’s mom [real] & other Greek family members

— Right out of the gate, Nia Vardalos pulls a “Jonny Moseley” by starting to speak long before the opening audience applause has stopped. At least Moseley has an excuse for making that mistake, as he’s an athlete with no acting experience.
— Rachel is hilarious as one of the Greek relatives.
— That’s the whole monologue? Well, THAT certainly was short, and was barely even written. Nothing of substance happened in this. Considering the fact that Nia has a background in improv comedy, I’d rather they’d have done a monologue that let her show her comedic side more, rather than them just doing a lazy, cliched “Greeks have a lot of relatives” joke that just had Nia playing a dull straight man.
STARS: **

SWIFFER SLEEPERS
— Rerun from 10/12/02. Ugh, this commercial was insufferable enough the first time.
— This repeated commercial surprisingly ends up being the ONLY time we see Amy all night. She doesn’t appear during any of the new segments in tonight’s episode (not including the goodnights, where, from my memory of past viewings of this episode, I think you can spot her at the back of the stage, looking kinda lonely), which is very rare for her.

SUSHI BAR
at a sushi bar, Bloater brothers interest (host) but can’t close the deal

— I’m a defender of the Bloater Brothers, but it kinda doesn’t feel right for them to be placed in the lead-off sketch of the night.
— The setting and format of tonight’s Bloater Brothers installment feels like a re-write of the Bloater installment from the Julianna Margulies episode, and Nia is basically just playing the same character Margulies played.
— A good laugh from Parnell’s line about his enormous areolas.
— Overall, not much to say about this, but this was standard decent Bloater Brothers fare. This ends up being the last we’ll see of the Bloater Brothers until Jimmy’s final episode a year-and-a-half later, where we actually get some kind of conclusion to the Bloater Brothers storyline.
STARS: ***

CBS NEWS SPECIAL REPORT
Dan Rather (DAH) covers nerds’ surprising sweep of student council seats

 

— Seth’s “It was a tough week for sluts” line was pretty funny.
— As always, lots of funny one-liners from Darrell’s Dan Rather.
— That photo of Horatio as a cocky-looking jock is hilarious.
— Dan Rather: “That boy is cooler than Sister Mary Margaret’s nipples on a cool winter’s morning.”
— The audience is really into this sketch (which feels kinda rare to say this season), which is adding to the enjoyable atmosphere of this already good sketch.
— The cutaway to Fred as “the kid who wears the fedora” is one of the standout funniest single moments of this entire season, and a great early example of how much Fred could enhance a sketch even with a brief, silent appearance.
— Dan Rather, in regards to nerds being voted as student council: “The voters have spoken, and they have spoken in Klingon.”
STARS: ***½

BIKINI WAX
at a spa, it takes a while for (host) to finish giving (RAD) a bikini wax

— Nia’s been displaying some solid character voices so far tonight.
— A lot of great pained yelps from Rachel throughout her waxing.
— Nia, while looking down towards Rachel’s pubic area: “You have children?” Rachel: “Uh… no. Why?” Nia: “Never mind.”
— Rachel, after Nia suggests she gets one more waxing for her husband: “I don’t have a husband.” Nia: “I make room for one.”
— Great bit with Nia’s “crazy house” analogy.
— Nia: “Honey, you got Robin Williams’ forearms in your panties.”
— My god, the great lines from Nia keep coming all throughout this sketch.
STARS: ****½

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Gangsta Lovin'”

WEEKEND UPDATE
JIF & TIF demonstrate machine that identifies people by the way they walk

in absentia, high school loser SEM gets drunk at his ten-year reunion

— Jimmy’s been having a rough night with his jokes so far tonight. His Katherine Harris joke was particularly terrible.
— The punchline to Tina’s “Red Lobster in Times Square” joke, about going down to Times Square and getting “crabs”, was already used earlier that week on Late Night With Conan O’Brien. I’m not claiming SNL stole it, though. After all, jokes about getting STDs from Times Square write themselves.
— Hmm, an interesting out-of-the-ordinary segment with Jimmy and Tina demonstrating a machine that identifies people by their walk.
— Some funny celebrity walking impressions from Jimmy. I particularly like his Michael Stipe walk, and the whole drunk walk thing.
— Tina’s punchline about a dog sniffing another dog’s balls was quite Norm Macdonald-esque.
— Tonight’s Update feels like a leftover season 26 Update, back in the days when Tina regularly out-performed Jimmy at the desk. In this season, on the other hand, it’s usually been the other way around, with Tina gradually going downhill and Jimmy gradually improving.
— Okay, Jimmy’s jokes tonight have been getting better.
— Promising bit with Seth enacting his own high school reunion that he’s currently missing. I like how out-of-the-ordinary this feels for an Update bit, much like the celebrity walking detector thing earlier.
— Hmm, just now, Seth has mentioned a quarterback at his acted-out high school reunion named Doug Stradley. The name Doug Stradley would later be used (as seen here) in a Weekend Update commentary that Seth would do in season 30, in which he plays a fictional fratboy named Doug Stradley talking about the presidential elections (which I recall felt like Seth was just doing an inferior knock-off of the fratboy character that Will Ferrell once famously played on Update, giving his thoughts about the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal). I’m guessing Seth has/had a friend in real life named Doug Stradley, which is why Seth keeps using his name in different bits.
— When enacting a phone call to his parents to come pick him up from his high school reunion, Seth angrily says “Yeah, I know MADtv is on. Tape it!” A funny subtle reference to Seth’s brother, Josh, being a cast member on MADtv at this time. I believe this ends up being the only MADtv mention ever made on SNL.
— Aside from the aforementioned MADtv line, I’m not finding myself laughing much during this Seth commentary. It’s mostly just bland, generic, un-creative comedy here, the type of comedy that I used to heavily associate with Seth before this SNL project has been making me reevaluate him as a cast member. His SNL tenure has been surprisingly pretty good so far, but his commentary tonight is the kind of generic blandness that I’m expecting to have shoved down my throat on a regular basis when I reach season 30, a season in which SNL unsuccessfully attempts to make Seth the male star of the show.
STARS: ***

THE FEREY MÜHTAR TALK SHOW
sidekick (DAH) is smitten by actress (host)

— Quite questionable that they’re bringing this sketch back. The only real reason the first installment worked was because of the classic mustache blooper with Darrell, and Ian McKellen and Horatio’s priceless ad-libs in response to the mustache blooper, all of which SNL will never be able to top in tonight’s installment. Also known as “Debbie Downer Syndrome”.
— Darrell’s character looks kinda different in tonight’s installment.
— I like the new addition of Fred and Kattan as Ferey Muhtar’s house band.
— The “banter” bit between Horatio and Darrell is funny.
— A good laugh from Darrell shamefully admitting that he can’t show one of the pages of Nia’s “sexy” calendar because he… ahem, “used” it.
— My goodwill towards this sketch is rapidly diminishing. After a decent first 2-3 minutes, this sketch has been going on and on, with just a whole bunch of back-and-forth arguing between Horatio, Darrell, and occasionally Nia, which are getting zero laughs from me. Yep, Debbie Downer Syndrome is clearly at play here. Should’ve kept this sketch one-and-done.
STARS: **

THE FALCONER
supposedly-loyal raptor Donald lives it up as The Falconer (WLF) ekes by

— Ladies and gentlemen, we have a major recurring character debut! And much like the last character I used that line for (Tim Calhoun), the major recurring character debuting tonight is one that I could not be more excited for.
— The opening title sequence in this first Falconer installment is a bit different from the one used in all of this sketch’s subsequent installments. Instead of the voice-over saying at one point, in regards to Will’s Ken Mortimer character, “Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest”, the voice-over actually goes into some detail about why he left his wife and career. Something to do with him finding a mysterious box in his home. I distinctly remember this original title sequence showing, at one point, a still photo of Will’s Ken Mortimer staring into a mysterious box while having a comically exaggerated open-mouthed shocked look on his face. However, I’m reviewing the rerun version of tonight’s episode, which replaces the original title sequence with the truncated version that’s used in all of the subsequent installments.
— Fantastic characterization from Will as usual.
— Hilarious scene with Donald the Falcon at a restaurant. I especially love his panicked reaction to the flame from the cherries jubilee.
— I recall some SNL fans at the time saying these Falconer sketches have a new-age Toonces feel, which makes me love these already-great Falconer sketches even more.
— The outlandish, extensive things Donald the Falcon is shown doing are great.
— A clever subtle reveal that Nia’s character is Ken Mortimer’s wife from before he left her and became The Falconer.
— Very funny how the meal that Donald the Falcon brings The Falconer back is a rat, after all the expensive gourmet food Donald had just treated himself to.
— Overall, a very strong debut of The Falconer. Will continues to be a new force to be reckoned with so early into his first season.
STARS: ****½

PIER 1 IMPORTS
Pier 1 Imports warns shoppers to beware of loony Kirstie Alley (host)

— A spot-on parody of Kirstie Alley’s Pier 1 ads, right down to perfectly recreating the visual style.
— Nia’s a dead ringer for Kirstie Alley here, and her insane, unsettling portrayal of Alley is hilarious.
— Funny turn with this ad being a warning from Pier 1 to customers about the dangers of Kirstie Alley, with tips on what to do to protect yourself if you ever come into contact with her.
— A good laugh from the visual of Nia shoving Horatio backwards into a shelf. I remember that practically killed me with laughter when this episode originally aired.
STARS: ****

DROPPING THE L.B.’S WITH MISSY E
Missy Elliott’s (TRM) exercise video contains impossible-to-mimic moves

— Kinda interesting seeing Tracy (in his first and only appearance all night) doing an updated version of the Missy Elliott impression that he last did years prior in the Jon Lovitz episode from season 23. Like Missy herself, Tracy lost a lot of weight since those days.
— I like Rachel’s un-street-like delivery about how she went out and got her “hurr did”.
— Overall, a fairly fun premise, and a lot of fairly fun performances, but I dunno, the overall sketch felt completely forgettable. It feels like SNL forgot to write actual jokes for most of this sketch. Either that, or there’s just not much comedy you can mine out of the concept of a Missy Elliott workout tape.
STARS: **

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Irresistible Chick”

GLENDA GOODWIN, ATTORNEY AT LAW
personal injury lawyer Glenda Goodwin (MAR) specializes in weird cases

— The debut of Maya’s Glenda Goodwin character, who I remember being one of the main characters responsible for turning quite a number of online SNL fans against Maya over the course of this season.
— So far, Maya’s characterization isn’t bad in this sketch, and I’m enjoying the absurd humor here, with Glenda Goodwin’s serious treatment of unusual personal injury claims.
— Odd how this is the second consecutive sketch tonight that not only is showing testimonials from customers, but two of the testimonial-giving customers are Nia and Rachel. Hell, SNL might as well be using the same background walls for the testimonials in both sketches.
— Portions of Rachel’s testimonial being blatantly re-dubbed with Glenda Goodwin’s voice is pretty funny.
— Speaking of Rachel, I really love how she’s been getting tons of airtime these last few episodes, as well as some great showcase pieces (Game Night, Bikini Wax). Too bad this increase in airtime doesn’t end up lasting for her. Also, it feels like the more and more she’s appeared these last few episodes, the less and less Amy has appeared. I’m still in shock over Amy being shut out of the live show tonight.
STARS: ***½

COMMUNITY ACCENTS
Vasquez (HOS) stuns guests with inappropriate comments

— Horatio’s Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez character from Will Ferrell’s classic Show Your Patriotism sketch has gotten spun-off into his own sketch.
— Dean makes his first appearance in THREE EPISODES. I kid you not, folks. He was completely absent from the last two episodes. In fact, the last sketch he appeared in was the Making The Video sketch from the Sarah Michelle Gellar episode, in which he embarrassed himself on live TV by pretty much botching his scene. Perhaps having him sit out two consecutive episodes is his punishment for screwing up his appearance in that Making The Video sketch so badly. Ehh, probably not, but who knows? Either way, I really have to question how in the hell this guy made it to a second season on SNL.
— No idea what to say about this sketch. Horatio’s goofy characterization is kinda amusing, but this sketch itself is just plain dumb, and not always in the funny way. I think this Vasquez character works better as a supporting character, from what I remember of his subsequent appearances in those adult school sketches.
— I’ve seen some SNL fans compare this Vasquez character to the then-current Brian Fellow. In fact, I recall hearing that tonight’s Vasquez sketch was originally supposed to air in The Rock episode from the preceding season, which also contained a Brian Fellow sketch. I wonder if this Vasquez sketch got cut because SNL realized a Brian Fellow talk show sketch and a Vasquez talk show sketch in the same episode is too redundant.
STARS: **

GOODNIGHTS

---

IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— This episode was kinda all over the place. Some strong things, some average things, some blah things. Never a consistent feel to the episode’s quality. Nia Vardalos was an impressive host, expertly doing a variety of funny characterizations and voices, blending well into the show, and coming off like an honorary cast member, which all makes sense, given her improv background.

MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS

HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Eric McCormack)
a slight step up

My full set of screencaps for this episode is here

TOMORROW
Brittany Murphy