February 8, 2003 – Matthew McConaughey / The Dixie Chicks (S28 E11)

Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars

U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL
United Nations delegates ignore Colin Powell (DAH) & plan to abuse power

— There’s something wrong with the top of the screen (you can see it in the above screencaps for this cold opening, and in the screencaps of the following monologue). This isn’t a local affiliate issue; this apparently happened on ALL the affiliates that this episode originally aired on, which shows that the problem must’ve been from SNL’s end. This technical issue persists until the first commercial break of the show, which is right after the monologue.
— WTF? Darrell as Colin Powell? I know the man has played Jesse Jackson on the show many times before, but come the hell on! Besides, didn’t Dean play Colin Powell once in the preceding season, without even having any lines? So why would SNL yank the role away from him and give it to Darrell, who’s completely half-assing it? And since when does Colin Powell talk out of the corner of his mouth? That’s what Darrell’s doing here, for God knows what reason.
— Oh, god, another damn translator cold opening this season. Spare me.
— Geez, even during his serious speech here, Jimmy looked like he was about to bust out laughing during one part, after the gesture he does when his voice-over translator says “So unnecessary.”
— I find this premise lame, with the delegates having a deep, extensive discussion about trivial things like where they’re going for lunch. This is the type of soft, weak Jim Downey-written political humor that would dominate Downey’s later years as an SNL writer.
— I am now FOUR MINUTES into this damn cold opening, and I haven’t laughed a single time.
— Okay, I got a minor chuckle just now from the joke that Fred’s Chile delegate character plays on the other delegates.
— This cold opening is going on forever.
— Dean had a somewhat funny line just now, which is rare for him. I still don’t understand why he couldn’t play Colin Powell in this cold opening, though. Tracy (who’s one of the very few cast members who doesn’t appear in this cold opening) could’ve easily played the Cameroon delegate that Dean’s playing here.
— Darrell-as-Powell’s zoned-out facial expression when the camera cuts back to him at the end perfectly mirrors my facial expression during most of this cold opening (screencap below).

STARS: *½

MONOLOGUE
host finds an excuse to return to his marijuana-hazed dressing room

— Very energetic, bouncy entrance from Matthew McConaughey at the beginning.
— Matthew’s story had a VERY long, dead-serious, audience-quieting set-up to a mildly funny “Jesus Christ walked everywhere too” punchline. Actually, the punchline wasn’t bad, and I would appreciate it elsewhere, but this long, serious story felt kinda out of place in an SNL monologue. Matthew seems to have a thing for taking the time in his monologues to tell a very long-winded, audience-quieting story that leads to a punchline, as he would later do the same thing in his monologue from season 41, and from what I remember, the punchline to that story was just plain weak.
— A laugh from Kattan being heard telling an SNL intern “I totally agree, Mango should be a movie” when Matthew is rushing backstage towards his dressing room.
— The pot smoke-filled dressing room is funny and reminds me of Eric Idle’s season 4 monologue.
— Great line from a stoned Amy, when pretending to snap a photo: “I just took a Amy Poehler-oid with my mind!”
— Some good laughs from Matthew being heard taking a hit from his bong behind his dressing room door, and Tracy being heard advising him the right way to inhale through it.
— When Matthew blew out some pot smoke from his mouth when returning to the home base stage, his face oddly looked JUST LIKE Woody Harrelson (which is fitting, I guess, as Harrelson’s another person who’s known for his love of weed). Actually, I guess Matthew and Woody kinda facially resemble each other in general. I remember I used to think so when they were both younger.
— Overall, this monologue was a tale of two halves. The very iffy first half where Matthew told the long story should’ve been scrapped, and they should’ve just focused on the superior second half where Matthew went backstage.
STARS: ***

BLIND DATE
on a blind date, (host) errs by wildly misguessing (RAD)’s age & weight

— There’s an infamous behind-the-scenes story about this sketch: during a rehearsal earlier in the week, as Matthew was doing the portion of this sketch where he tries to guess Rachel’s age, he ad-libbed by randomly feeling up Rachel’s breasts while trying to figure out her age, an ad-lib that Rachel was speechlessly taken aback by. (Maybe Matthew saw that Fun Friend Club sketch that Rachel did in the last episode.) Rachel would disclose this incident during a Late Night With Conan O’Brien interview later that year, and would even show footage of the incident. When disclosing the incident, Rachel seemed to have a sense of humor about it, much more so than I’m sure most actresses would. After all, that move of Matthew’s is the kind of thing that could get his ass MeToo-ed nowadays (assuming he hasn’t gotten MeToo-ed by someone already).
— I like the random non-sequitur with the following exchange between Rachel and Matthew: “So you went to Morehouse College?” “No, that’s a black college. I went to Grambling.”
— After the aforementioned behind-the-scenes incident with Matthew feeling up Rachel’s breasts was made public, I remember an online SNL fan pointing out that Rachel noticeably kept taking a sip from her drink for an unusually large amount of times all throughout this sketch, and that SNL fan had a theory that Rachel constantly grabbing her drink was her nervous way of trying to prevent Matthew from potentially reaching over and feeling up her breasts on live TV. Being aware of that, I now feel kinda tense watching her throughout this sketch, knowing she had those worries. Poor Rachel.
— Matthew’s bad age-guessing thing didn’t do much for me, but I did get a laugh just now when he told Rachel that he wants to guess her weight, even though I know where this is going.
— I got a cheap laugh from Matthew’s bad drawing of Rachel, but otherwise, I have not been caring for the direction of this whole sketch. The humor is too simplistic and cliched for my likes.
— One positive thing I’ll say is that Rachel is a solid straight man here, and I’m enjoying all of her reactions.
— What the hell was with that punchline at the end? Very weak.
STARS: **

NUTRI-QUICK
Rerun from 10/5/02

JARRET’S ROOM
33 year-old sophomore David Wooderson (host) likes college

— My god, this sketch again, for the THIRD time in these past SIX EPISODES?!? This recurring sketch is nowhere near good enough to keep bringing back so frequently in such a small time frame. I don’t think even Wayne’s World appeared THAT frequently back in the day, and Jarret’s Room isn’t fit to lick Wayne’s World’s boots.
— Boy, this was Gobi’s weakest comical entrance in a Jarret’s Room sketch yet. The writers aren’t even trying anymore.
— Interesting having Matthew reprise his Dazed And Confused character.
— Jeff’s character makes his first appearance in a Jarret’s Room sketch in quite a long time. I had been wondering why they’ve been keeping him out of the last few installments of this sketch.
— The Valentine’s video of Jeff is pretty funny.
— So after the well-liked Phish installment of this sketch, are musical guests going to appear in this sketch EVERY time now? Because I gotta say, The Dixie Chicks certainly aren’t giving this sketch the fun boost that Phish did.
— At the end of this sketch, why did the exit music abruptly stop during the shot of the computer desktop? Was that a technical gaffe?
— An overall weak Jarret’s Room installment that not even Wooderson could save. Boy, aside from the second half of the monologue, I have NOT been enjoying tonight’s episode so far.
STARS: **

PROTEST
at an anti-war rally, speaker (host) can’t keep the crowd on-message

— I love Tracy exclaiming “You know they use hemp to make rope?”
— A lot of laughs from the bad protesting from the crowd, and how their protests are getting increasingly absurd and convoluted.
— Jesus Christ, Matthew is overacting terribly when he’s expressing frustration at the protesters.
— Parnell: “Legalize porn!” Matthew: “Sir, it is legal, okay?” Parnell: “(deadpan) Not the kind *I* like.”
— Solid sketch overall, and the first non-monologue segment of tonight’s episode that I actually enjoyed. If only this sketch had a better straight man, though. Matthew’s straight man performance was not working for me.
STARS: ****

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Travelin’ Soldier”

WEEKEND UPDATE
photos show the past, present, future of Michael Jackson’s face

Joseph Jackson (TRM) criticizes his son Michael’s parenting skills

Patrick (WLF) & Gunther (FRA) Kelly explain tax code changes with a song

— For obvious reasons, it feels kinda odd and sad in retrospect when Tina shows a photo of what Michael Jackson will look like 10 years from now (a photo of a sock puppet), considering he would end up not living long enough to see 10 years from now.
— I like Jimmy’s very deadpan delivery during his uncharacteristically mean-spirited Lara Flynn Boyle joke. Too bad Tina had to almost ruin it with her awful loud guffawing in response to it, which is something she’s developed a VERY annoying habit of doing lately whenever Jimmy does a really clever joke.
— I got a laugh from Tracy’s Joseph Jackson saying his son Michael’s recent interview was “re-duc-a-luss!”
— A funny story from Tracy’s Joseph Jackson about getting scared by Latoya and Michael.
— Jimmy’s video game/phone bit is solid.
— SNL’s using their writers in quite a lot of photo jokes tonight, such as Paula Pell (the sixth-to-last above screencap for this Weekend Update, though I’m not sure I recognize the man with her in the photo) and T. Sean Shannon (the fifth-to-last above screencap for this Update).
— Ah, the debut of Will and Fred’s Kelly Brothers characters. And I absolutely LOVE this pairing of Will and Fred, the two new guys this season. This pairing reminds me of how much of a champion of Will and Fred I was when this season originally aired. They both had such a strong first year (Will in particular) and instantly became who I considered to be two of the more reliable players in an increasingly worrisome period of SNL.
— Will’s insanely high-pitched singing is surprising and hilarious.
— Will and Fred’s overall lyric-less “informative” song was very funny, as well as the perfect length. Short and sweet.
— Tonight’s weekly end-of-Update walk-on from SNL writer Eric Slovin has him dressed as a waiter and taking away Jimmy’s pencil in a restaurant menu.
STARS: ***

CLUB TRAXX
Euroteens love America’s music but hate its foreign policy

— The debut of what I recall being a very weak short-lived recurring sketch.
— Holy hell at Matthew’s bizarre look and even more bizarre voice.
— Boy, the bizarre voice that Mathew’s using is getting old FAST. And this sketch in general is not working. It kinda feels to me like an unfunny, pop music-themed variation of SNL’s Sprockets sketches.
— I kinda laughed at Maya’s foreign-accented delivery of “You’re like a black man from the ghet-to”.
— I’m sick and tired of Fred’s character constantly breaking out into song here. It’s very rare for me to have something negative to say about Fred this early into his tenure, but it’s something that will probably become all too common in my reviews of Fred’s latter years on the show.
— Overall, oof. And to think, I have a few more installments of this sketch to sit through in later episodes.
STARS: *½

STORIES
(CHK) pays the price whenever co-worker (host) uses him to tell a story

— What the holy fuck happened at the beginning? When this sketch opens on an exterior shot of an office building, a very loud off-camera exclamation of “AGH!” can be heard from Matthew, then when the screen crossfades to a shot of both him and Horatio, they’re both sitting silently for an oddly long while, then Matthew mumbles some unintelligible word while Horatio giggles out loud (I can’t tell if that giggling is real or just in character), then Matthew begins sniffing and awkwardly clearing his throat for a few seconds, then after more odd silence, he FINALLY starts delivering his lines. What… the… hell?!? Was Matthew doing a little… uh, snorting backstage before arriving on set for this sketch, if you catch my drift? Actually, a theory that I’ve always had on what the hell happened here is that Matthew let out an unintentional sneeze during the opening exterior shot of the office building, which would explain that off-camera “AGH!” sound from him and why he was seen constantly sniffing and clearing his throat for a few seconds afterwards, but that still doesn’t explain why, after the camera first showed him and Horatio, he awkwardly paused SO DAMN LONG before delivering his first line.
— I laughed out loud at Tracy’s disgusted delivery of “Troy!” when he enters the sketch and immediately gets the wrong impression about Kattan’s Troy character. And there’s something inherently funny about Tracy being cast as an office boss.
— It’s now a few minutes later, and, aside from Tracy’s aforementioned line, I haven’t gotten a single laugh from this sketch.
— I could do without Kattan’s annoying overacting when repeatedly shouting “NO!”
— I finally got my second and final laugh of this sketch, when Tracy immediately exclaimed “Troy, you’re fired!” when he walked in on Kattan’s Troy having his pants down. If it wasn’t for Tracy and his reliable delivery, this sketch would be a 100% bonafide dud. Hell, I had more fun analyzing Matthew’s bizarre unscripted actions at the beginning of this sketch (i.e. his yell of “AGH!”, his sniffing, his throat-clearing, his absurdly long pause before finally speaking) than I’ve been having analyzing the actual content of this sketch.
STARS: *½

SECOND TIME AROUND
Glenda Goodwin welcomes pyramid power advocate (host)

— OH. NO. My misery during tonight’s episode continues, as I’ve always despised these Second Time Around sketches, which makes its debut here.
— I do not like that nasal, throaty voice Maya is using for her Glenda Goodwin character in tonight’s sketch. The voice Maya previously used for Glenda Goodwin in the Attorney-At-Law sketch earlier this season was far more tolerable to me, as the nasal-ness and throaty-ness of her voice was more understated there.
— I got one laugh during this boring sketch so far, from Glenda Goodwin referring to the act of laying around while wearing a t-shirt and no bottoms as “Porky Piggin’ it”.
— Why does Matthew keep speaking off-camera right now while Maya and Rachel are trying to deliver their lines? Man, Matthew has been bothering me more and more as tonight’s episode has progressed. He started out decently earlier in the show, but somewhere around the Protest sketch, he’s gotten increasingly annoying and bizarre with each passing sketch.
— I just realized (probably because I’m bored as hell while watching this sketch) that this is the second recurring talk show sketch with Maya as the host and Rachel as her co-host, after the Wake Up Wakefield sketches.
— Maya’s Glenda Goodwin actually has a few amusing absurd lines throughout this sketch, but I just can’t get past that horrible nasal, throaty voice. It’s killing any humor in her dialogue.
— When wrapping up this sketch at the end, Glenda Goodwin says her next guest will be Joan Petricelli. That’s the same name of the character that Nia Vardalos played in the aforementioned Attorney-At-Law sketch that Glenda Goodwin debuted in.
STARS: *½

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Sin Wagon”

MCCONAUGHEY’S RED HOT TEXAS CHILI
host’s product is first in farts

— (*sigh*)
— I could just leave my above sigh as my only comment for this entire sketch, as it sums this sketch up perfectly, but I guess I should say SOMETHING here. As if tonight’s episode hasn’t been unbearable enough, now SNL is scraping the bottom of the barrel, using goofy fart sound effects during Matthew’s chili plug. There have been some times where SNL actually pulled off a fart sketch well (e.g. the Kevin Kline Italian actor sketch), but this sure as hell ain’t one of them. This sketch is something a kid would write when bored during class.
— Nothing else to say about this, except please end tonight’s show already, SNL. I can’t take any more bad sketches.
STARS: *

GOODNIGHTS

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IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— Terrible episode. I enjoyed very little in this. The post-Weekend Update half in particular was absolutely HORRIBLE, with not a single sketch receiving a rating over one-and-a-half stars. I was made increasingly miserable while watching this episode. If you take away Weekend Update, the second half of the monologue, and the Protest sketch (and even the latter was almost ruined by Matthew McConaughey’s bad overacting), you have an episode that’s pretty much unwatchable. I’ve seen some SNL fans over the years use this episode as a prime example of this season’s poor quality, and I’ve also seen some SNL fans even say this feels like an episode from season 20. I’m not sure I disagree with either of those points.

Oh, and just one more time, here’s my face after sitting through this episode:

MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS

HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Ray Liotta)
a big step down

My full set of screencaps for this episode is here

TOMORROW
Jennifer Garner