October 18, 2003 – Halle Berry / Britney Spears (S29 E3)

Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars

PRESS CONFERENCE
publicly-supportive wife (MAR) yanks Kobe Bryant’s (FIM) leash in private

— A solid fiery-mad performance from Maya as Vanessa Bryant whenever Chris steps out of the room, and how Maya’s Vanessa immediately shifts back to “loving, sentimental, supporting wife” mode whenever Chris returns to the room.
— Maya’s Vanessa responding to Finesse-as-Kobe’s “I hate that!” with “You know what *I* hate? I hate goin’ to my husband’s rape trial” is a line that stuck with me for a lot of years, and got a very big audience reaction.
— Interesting fake-out with Finesse’s “Live from New York…” getting cut off by Maya. It would’ve been shocking if SNL let Finesse say LFNY only three episodes into his tenure as a new featured player. Then again, Abby Elliott would later say LFNY in only her fifth episode as a featured player, and likewise for Paul Brittain in only his fourth episode as a featured player.
STARS: ***

MONOLOGUE
LOM tries to get host to kiss musical guest a la Madonna at MTV Awards

— A pretty cliched premise, and SNL has gone to the “Lorne plays a horndog towards the host and/or musical guest” well a few times too many by this point of SNL’s run.
— I bet Lorne died a little inside having to mention Adrien Brody when bringing up Halle’s Oscars kiss. The next time SNL mentions Adrien Brody, just two episodes from now, it wouldn’t be in such a kind manner.
— I did get a laugh from Lorne asking Halle and Britney Spears to “Do it for those poor Cub fans”, as this is just a few days after the infamous Steve Bartman incident (an incident I remember all too well, as someone who lived in Chicago at the time and was exposed to the incident ad nauseam on the local news the week of tonight’s episode.)
— This monologue ends with Halle and Britney basically promising us that they’ll kiss later in the episode. However, said kiss ends up NEVER happening. Really, SNL? What a cheap-ass ratings gimmick, trying to get viewers to stay tuned into tonight’s episode, expecting a Halle/Britney kiss. (And SNL also teased the same thing in one of the promos earlier that week.) And then the kiss ends up not even happening! I would call this a new low for SNL, but I guess it ain’t THAT big a deal. Still, though, fucking really, SNL?
STARS: **

GAYSTROGEN
Gaystrogen restores homosexual behavior of (CHP)’s partner (FRA)

— I remember finding this commercial absolutely hilarious back when it originally aired, but all these years later, I now find this kind of gay stereotype humor hacky and tired, especially in an SNL era that relied increasingly heavier on this type of humor.
— After Fred yelled “White is white, Steven!”, I did like Parnell’s humorously dramatic, emotional delivery of “Since when, Russ?! Since when?”
— The part showing a computerized model graphic responding to taking a Gaystrogen pill by becoming rainbow-colored and doing a “gay” dance is one particular part of this commercial that I remember had me howling back in 2003, but I now just groan and roll my eyes at.
— The only thing I’ll say about the cheap man-on-man kissing from Fred and Chris at the end of this commercial is that it’s ironic how tonight’s SNL episode ends up not coming through on their promise of a Halle/Britney kiss, but does give us a same-sex kiss with two men instead. Is this SNL’s way of trolling all the horndogs who were anxiously awaiting the Halle/Britney kiss or something?
STARS: **

THE DON ZIMMER SPORTS SPECTACULAR
guests easily parry Don Zimmer’s (HOS) attacks

— I love Will singing the opening theme song. There’s a subtle absurdity to it that’s great.
— A very topical sketch that doesn’t hold up well, as the Don Zimmer/Pedro Martinez fight it’s based on is probably forgotten by a lot of people today, and is completely unknown to young people watching it in the future. Then again, I didn’t find this sketch funny even when it originally aired.
— Horatio is slipping some mannerisms of old-timey comedians into his Don Zimmer impression whenever he apologizes at the camera. I hear some of both Lou Costello and Curly from the Three Stooges in his voice (hell, at one point, he almost broke into Costello’s “I’m a baaaaaad boy” catchphrase), and just now, he even did the Curly-from-the-Three-Stooges hand-wave towards the camera. You’d think I’d love all of this, if you know how much of a diehard Three Stooges fanatic I am (and a fanatic of classic comedy teams in general, including Abbott & Costello), but nope. Horatio’s Curly/Lou Costello pastiche is just coming off annoying and unnecessary, and you can tell he’s probably amusing himself like crazy, which is something I always find UNBEARABLE about him. He finds himself far funnier than I do.
— Another annoying thing about Horatio’s performance here is that he keeps awkwardly pausing before delivering some lines. He’s always had a bad habit of doing that sometimes in general.
— I always love Darrell’s Bob Costas impression.
— Blah, a VERY one-joke sketch. And one joke that got tired after the first minute. Why the hell was this extremely thin sketch placed as the lead-off sketch of the night (besides the topical nature of it)?
— Boy, was that a lame ending… if it can even be called an ending.
— SNL would later replace this sketch with the dress rehearsal version in reruns.
STARS: *½

VERSACE HALLOWEEN
Naomi Campbell (host) & Elton John (HOS) visit

— Blah again. Ever since the Robert DeNiro episode from the preceding season, these Versace sketches have officially lost steam. And between the Don Zimmer sketch and this, tonight’s episode isn’t exactly off to a hot start.
— Okay, I did love the part just now with Versace inappropriately giving the trick-or-treating kids “candy cigarettes”, which are literally some candy and some cigarettes. That kinda reminds me of a classic bit from a Coneheads Halloween sketch, in which the Coneheads give trick-or-treating kids a 6-pack of beer.
— A nice and committed dive through a breakaway wall from Halle just now.
— Both SNL and NBC would go on to love that visual of Horatio’s Elton John wearing a Spongebob costume, as they would end up using an image of it in a number of things, including SNL promos displayed on the bottom of the screen during some other NBC shows.
— Ugh, Horatio looks like he’s cracking himself up AS USUAL, during the part when where his Elton John is singing. And right after I complained about how damn amused by himself Horatio often comes off.
— The gag with a bat flying out from under Versace’s dress fell flat.
— Okay, I did love Versace’s line after the aforementioned bat gag, with her starting to wrap up her show by saying “Since you can’t top a bat flying out of my cooch…”
STARS: **½

TEL-E-LINK
tel-e-link phone service is simple if you’re a cellular technology expert

— A decent commercial, though the premise of people casually spouting off increasingly complicated technical terms as if it’s simple was already used in that Wilson Countersink Flanges commercial from season 18. I think there was also another sketch or commercial that SNL used that premise in, but I can’t remember what.
— This is the first passing rating I’ve given to a segment tonight since all the way back in the cold opening.
STARS: ***

QUICK ONES
Quick Ones pills efficiently provide immediate sexual gratification

— Amy’s monotone fast-paced orgasm utterances after taking the pill was pretty funny.
— Meh, this premise is already starting to get a little old and one-note.
— Okay, Will is making the gag funny again with his great delivery.
— I got no laughs from that “We’re coming” double entendre at the end, even though it was intended to be badly cheesy.
STARS: **½

JAPANESE STEAK HOUSE
on her birthday, Starkisha (FIM) seeks shrimp at a Japanese restaurant

— OH FUCKING NO. The Starkisha bit that Finesse gave us an extended sample of in his Weekend Update commentary as himself in this season’s premiere has now been spun-off into its own recurring sketch. Oh, these are gonna be some brutally bad sketches to get through.
— Even the names of Starkisha’s friends in this sketch, Frerejaque and Appreciante, are reused from Finesse’s aforementioned Update commentary in the season premiere.
— Halle doing a variation of her work in the movie B.A.P.S.
— I still can’t get over how baby-faced Kenan looks in these early episodes of his compared to how he looks today. Then again, there is a 17-year gap between then and now.
— Boy, this is some cringey and groanworthy stereotypical ghetto humor.
— Chris, to Kenan, in regards to Starkisha and her friends: “Could you please tell your friends to keep it down?” Kenan: “Why they gotta be my friends? Hey, man, I came with YOU.” Solid delivery from Kenan on that very funny line, reminding me of what a reliable and sketch-saving straight man he would go on to regularly become in more recent seasons.
— Good god, that ending bit with Starkisha telling an Asian waiter “I loved you in that movie Rush Hour” was hacky as hell.
STARS: *½

THE SUNDAY NATIONAL ENQUIRER
The Sunday National Enquirer gives erudite readers their trash fix

— Some pretty good laughs from the way this National Enquirer ad is being presented in the manner of a wholesome and reputable newspaper ad.
— This is over already? This actually could’ve benefited from an extra half-minute. Speaking of which, I’m not 100% sure, but I think SNL would later show a longer version of this commercial in reruns, which includes more customers giving testimonials about the National Enquirer.
— Very awkward how this ended with no applause from the audience.
STARS: ***

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Me Against The Music”

WEEKEND UPDATE
Native American stand-up Billy Smith (FRA) has to explain his references

Bob Swerski & nephew Bart (HOS) vow revenge on Cubs fan Steve Bartman

— Fred does his first of several intentionally bad stand-up comedian characters (I don’t think Fericito is supposed to be bad).
— I’m getting a big kick out of the anti-comedy of Fred’s Billy Smith commentary, and Fred is executing this very well. I remember when this episode originally aired, I absolutely loved how this Billy Smith commentary felt very much in the vein of Andy Kaufman (one of my biggest comedy idols). In his prime, Fred has a great knack for Andy Kaufman-style humor.
— Could’ve done without that bizarre ad-libbed vocalization Tina made in reaction to the audience’s response to her Kabbalah joke.
— That Chinese Space Launch bit… ehh, didn’t we already do a bit earlier tonight (the Starkisha sketch) making use of bad Asian stereotypes that have now aged poorly?
— There goes yet another display of Tina’s love of gay-themed punchlines.
— Tina keeps making unnecessary weird ad-libs after some of her jokes tonight. It kinda reminds me of Colin Quinn’s bad habit of muttering bizarre, often unfunny, and barely intelligible ad-libs in response to the audience reactions to some of his Update jokes.
— Now this is just sad. Horatio as a seemingly semi-mentally challenged member of Bill Swerski’s Super Fans? What the fuck are you doing, SNL?!? Get this crap off my screen. You’re pissing all over the legacy of the Super Fans sketches. Not to mention we’re getting yet another dreaded display of typical Fallon & Sanz jackassery.
— Boy, that is one horrible Chicago accent from Horatio, but I know it turns out to be an intentional part of his characterization, as we’ll see later on. Still doesn’t make it funny.
— As if I haven’t been shitting on Horatio enough in this episode review, now we get MORE painfully awkward long pauses between his lines here, like I mentioned earlier tonight. Ugh. I hate this habit of his. Why does he DO that?!?
— Ah, the return of George Wendt as Bob Swerski, here to save this unbearable Fallon/Sanz bit! Why didn’t SNL just have Wendt’s Bob Swerski come on in the first place by himself, without Horatio prefacing him by doing a terrible “updated” version of the Super Fans routine?
— I wonder if part of the reason for Wendt being willing to show up tonight is because his nephew, Jason Sudeikis, had recently debuted on SNL as a writer.
— Oh, no. Even with Wendt, this Super Fans commentary is still not working for me. It’s a complete mess, and the All That Jazz number at the end is doing nothing for me. It’s also sad to see Wendt get brought down to Jimmy and Horatio’s immature level. Just end this commentary already, SNL. I can’t watch anymore.
— The Super Fans commentary would later get replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns.
STARS: **

THE BEST OF KLYMAXX
Joey Lawrence (SEM) tries to interest ’80s fans in The Best Of Klymaxx

— Finesse in drag TWICE tonight?
— Speaking of black men in drag, it feels odd in retrospect seeing Kenan in his very first of MANY drag roles on SNL, given the fact that, 10 years later in 2013, he would publicly take a stand against dressing in drag and vow to officially stop playing women on SNL. I believe he has kept his word on that to this day, 7 years later, and it’s just one of several examples of how much he’s matured as a performer in more recent years. I wonder what his final drag role on SNL was.
— Boy, this sketch is doing absolutely NOTHING for me. Just having Halle and the cast play Klymaxx and sing their songs isn’t inherently funny.
— Okay, I did get a laugh from Rachel’s facial expression and sassy head-bob after incredulously asking “Your half?!?”
— The running bit with Fred’s non-responses to Seth’s Joey Lawrence asking him how great the Klymaxx CD is is falling REALLY flat. It’s getting zero laughs from both the audience and me. And Horatio’s long, awkward pauses from earlier portions of tonight’s episode must be contagious, because there’s an awful lot of bad long pauses between Fred and Seth’s lines in this sketch. Man, what the hell is going ON in tonight’s episode???
— Having Klymaxx do a variation of Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf” is at least fairly funny in concept, even if I’m still not laughing all that much at the execution of it.
STARS: *½

BROKAW VOICEMAIL
Tom Brokaw (CHP) gets mad while recording a voicemail message for (host)

— Blah (I’ve been saying that quite a lot in this episode review), this sketch is going NOWHERE. I’m more than three minutes into this, and I haven’t laughed a single time.
— Great fiery-mad delivery from Chris when he loses his temper while recording the final voicemail message towards the end of this sketch. I still haven’t laughed a single time during this entire sketch, but at least Chris’ angry delivery towards the end was impressive.
— Horrible ending.
— SNL would later replace this sketch with the dress rehearsal version in reruns. (Notice a trend in this episode? Well, besides the trend of this episode sucking.) Two big differences I can remember in the dress version of this sketch is that, instead of telling Brokaw “Now you sound like you’re gay” after one of Brokaw’s recordings like she does in the live version, Halle actually says “Now you sound like a f*g”, though the slur in that line was bleeped out on TV. The ending was completely different in both versions too. The dress version’s ending (something to do with us seeing Halle’s voicemail playing the fiery-mad message that Brokaw recorded and it being followed by Halle saying something on the voicemail about how unpleasant it is to work with Brokaw) was a little less hacky then the live version’s ending, but still not funny.
STARS: *

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Everytime”

ASHFORD & SIMPSON
on her birthday, (host) is thrilled to meet Ashford (KET) & Simpson (MAR)

— First a Klymaxx sketch, and now a freakin’ Ashford & Simpson sketch? What the hell? Were the writers on a 70s and 80s fix this week, or is this just a sign of how bad this season’s writers are at writing for black female hosts?
— Finesse has been getting tons of airtime in this episode, obviously because we have a black host. He’d better be enjoying all of this airtime, because this would end up being as good as it gets for him in his disappointing three-year SNL tenure. Actually, I recall him getting tons of airtime in the following season’s Queen Latifah-hosted episode too, which I guess proves that black women hosting is the only way for Finesse to catch a break on SNL.
— Most of this sketch is very blah (sorry for using that word AGAIN in this episode review). I am liking Kenan’s delivery here, though, which is the only bright spot I’ve been able to find.
— Guess what, folks? This is YET ANOTHER sketch in this episode that would later be replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns. (Man, I wonder if this is one of the most heavily-edited-in-reruns SNL episodes of all time?) The biggest difference I can remember is that, in the live version, Halle and Finesse are sitting at their table alone, whereas the dress version has Halle and Finesse accompanied at their table by Rachel and Amy as their friends. I wonder why Rachel and Amy’s roles were removed from the live version.
STARS: *½

SPEEDREADER
speedreader Gary (WLF) uses his skill to pick up (host) at a bar

— Oh, thank god Will Forte has come to save tonight’s dire episode. His patented oddball sketches are always very reliable.
— Hilarious reveal that Will’s sleazy character is a speedreader. It’s also equally hilarious how he keeps bragging about it, thinking it’ll impress Halle.
— I love the vocalizations Will makes whenever he speedreads.
— Will, after speedreading the bible: “Done! Poooooor Jesus.”
— I was actually shocked (as was the studio audience apparently, judging from their silence) at Will bluntly saying “I got a big dick…”, until he hilariously followed it up with, after a one-second pause, “…tionary.”
— This sketch ends a bit abruptly, seemingly because the show is running long. SNL’s been having a problem ending the show on time this season, as this is the second instance in these past three episodes in which the final sketch got cut off early due to the show running long.
STARS: ****½

GOODNIGHTS

— Yep, the show is indeed running long. Much like in the first episode of this season, these goodnights get cut off before Halle even finishes her goodnights speech.
— Speaking of Halle in these goodnights, I remember her sharing a story several months later on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (lord knows why I was watching that show that night) about how SNL’s wardrobe crew dressed her for these goodnights in such a hurry that they accidentally put her boots on the wrong legs, and she had to do the whole goodnights like that.

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IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— As if I didn’t say it enough in this episode review… BLAH. Nah, fuck it. Blah is being too kind. This episode was flat-out terrible. The number of sketches I rated one or one-and-a-half stars almost rivals the number of one or one-and-a-half-star sketches from my reviews of some of the more notorious episodes from season 20. The difference is that none of tonight’s sketches are particularly disastrous or infamous among SNL fans (as far as I know). But still, what a lousy, lousy episode, and it has probably one of the lowest rating averages out of all of my reviews in this SNL project. The Speedreader sketch was the ONLY live sketch I liked all night (not counting the cold opening), and that was buried all the way at the end of the show. I remember when this episode originally aired, it was the official point where I started worrying about the quality of this season, especially since I didn’t like the season premiere either.

MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS

HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Justin Timberlake)
a colossal step down

My full set of screencaps for this episode is here

TOMORROW
Kelly Ripa