Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars
SUPER BOWL XLVII
Super Bowl power outage leads to dawdling CBS coverage & a low-rent ad
— I love Kenan’s delivery of his question, “No? It’s been less than one minute?!?”
— Some pretty good laughs from the dire attempts at killing time.
— Very funny dark bit with Jay’s Shannon Sharpe hypothesizing that the players are thinking, “Who on the team should we eat first?”
— The extremely random, odd dancing commercial with Bill is hilarious, and steals this cold opening.
— Jay’s confession about Ray Lewis is great.
STARS: ***½
MONOLOGUE
host & Whoopi Goldberg [real] mix Valentine’s Day & Black History Month
— (*sigh*) Welp, here we go.
— I remember an article pointing out that Justin Bieber’s new hairstyle the week of this episode was similar-looking to the hairstyle Vanilla Ice had when he was a musical guest on SNL in the early 90s (side-by-side comparisons below).
Yeesh, now I’m imagining what it would’ve been like if Vanilla Ice hosted SNL in the early 90s. Oof. Not sure if that would’ve been better or even worse than Bieber hosting in 2013. Imagining utmost professionals like Phil Hartman and Jan Hooks being forced to do sketches with Vanilla Ice makes me cringe. I know early 90s SNL got a surprisingly decent episode out of an M.C. Hammer hosting stint, but to me, Hammer’s not as much of an embarrassment as Ice is. However, I could at least see a “So bad, it’s good” quality coming from a Vanilla Ice-hosted episode, which is more than I can say for a Bieber-hosted episode.
— Funny brief appearance from then-writer Mike O’Brien.
— The Black History Month/Valentine’s Day premise is admittedly not bad, but I’m not caring for Bieber’s delivery of it. Kenan, in a mere supporting role, is carrying this whole thing on his back. This monologue would be NOTHING without him.
— There’s our obligatory singing from Bieber in this monologue, though it’s thankfully brief instead of the main focus of this monologue.
— I said this in a previous review, but, boy, I never could stand Bieber’s attempts to always talk in a phony “urban” voice (which is another similarity he has to Vanilla Ice). It especially annoys the hell out of me during the portion of this monologue where he says, in regards to Valentine’s Day, “This year, we’re gonna do it right, celebrate it right.”
— Random Whoopi Goldberg.
— Spoke too soon about Bieber’s singing being thankfully brief earlier in this monologue, as he sings again just now, but it turns out to be thankfully brief again.
STARS: **
THE CALIFORNIANS
a runaway (host) & an art exhibit occupy Stuart’s home
— Oh, you’re killin’ me, SNL. As if Bieber hosting this episode wasn’t torture enough, this episode has to break out one of the most wretched recurring sketches in the show’s history? And place it as the lead-off sketch of the night??? Is SNL trying to do everything to drive me away from this episode???
— (*sigh*) Cue all of the usual unbearable beats of this recurring sketch that never fail to leave me stone-faced.
— I kinda chuckled at how the final camera-showing-a-mock-dramatic-close-up-of-each-character sequence ends with the camera showing a whole bunch of mock-dramatic close-ups of Bill from different camera angles (the last few above screencaps for this sketch), though I wanted to find it funnier than I did.
STARS: *½
BIEBER DOUBLES
host’s head of security (JAS) presents a dozen unconvincing body doubles
— Very funny reveal of the entire cast playing Bieber doubles.
— Bieber, regarding his doubles: “Some of them are black, they’re not fooling anybody.” Jason: “Yeah, well, neither are you, homie.”
— Taran’s imitation of Bieber’s singing voice is fun.
— Despite supposedly being a good sport to do this sketch, Bieber’s straight man performance is very off-putting to me. I’m not convinced at all that he’s a good sport. Yeah, sorry, Biebs, but, despite your efforts, you’re still giving off major douchey vibes here.
— I love Taran saying “I guess they dropped” after hearing Bieber’s deeper singing voice.
— Bieber: “Those moves are retar– (*cuts himself off and does a brief facepalm in frustration over his gaffe*)…ugh…those moves are stupid.” Geez, did he really almost say the word that it sounded like he was going to say? In the year 2013???
— Jason’s reaction to finding out Saddam Hussein was killed is priceless.
— Good gag with Kate’s Ellen DeGeneres being mistaken for one of the Bieber doubles. And I have to point out the irony of how Kate’s the only cast member (besides Jason) who doesn’t play a Bieber double in this sketch, given the fact that she would later famously go on to regularly play Bieber on the show.
STARS: ***½
BRAVO
nobodies on the margins of fame populate myriad Real Housewives spinoffs
— “Danessa”???
— There’s our obligatory hacky gay humor in the scene with Bobby.
— This may be an accurate spoof of Bravo reality shows in general, but I’m not finding myself laughing, especially not at the lame Real Houseplants of Beverly Hills bit.
— Yeah, this is getting worse and worse as it goes along. I especially hate the scene with Jason, Bill, and Bieber, and not even because of Bieber himself.
STARS: *
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
host & Dan Kanter [real] perform “As Long As You Love Me”
— Future cast member Kyle Mooney making an early appearance as Bieber’s guitarist??? (screencap above) I’m kidding, but that guitarist sure looks like Kyle at certain angles.
WEEKEND UPDATE
Richard III’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (FRA) & (VAB) badmouth him via sotto voce
Corey (KET) is the fun, nonthreatening black guy in every commercial
— (*The Two Best Friends From Growing Up appear*) OH, KILL ME. It’s official, tonight’s episode is intentionally bringing out my least favorite recurring pieces of these early 2010s years. In regards to that, I just have to thank God Kristen Wiig is gone by this point.
— Seth, saying the same damn thing he says during every one of these wretched Two Best Friends commentaries: “I can’t hear you guys.” Oh, shut up, Seth.
— A Steven Seagal joke in a Justin Bieber-hosted episode? Ha, a very fitting coincidence, given Seagal and Bieber’s reputation as hosts.
— Kenan is great and very spot-on as the black guy from every Super Bowl commercial. I especially like the reveal that he’ll die if he doesn’t high-five every 12 seconds. Too bad Seth is just as amused by Kenan’s commentary as I am. I never cared for Seth’s habit of laughing openly and loudly during some guest commentaries.
— A lot of Seth’s jokes tonight aren’t doing a whole lot for me, though some of the ones that are working are actually very strong.
STARS: **½
50’S ROMANCE
high schooler (CES) & preteen (host) recount date a la “Summer Nights”
— I like Aidy’s delivery of the “Wow, he doesn’t know how…doors work???” line.
— Tim’s facial expressions throughout this sketch whenever the guys are hamming it up in unison are very funny.
— Some fairly funny reveals from Cecily on what questionable, childish things Bieber did during their date.
— Another well-delivered line from Aidy: “I feel like I have to say something…”, and then opting to restrain herself and instead just say “It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be.”
STARS: ***
THE MILEY CYRUS SHOW
Miley Cyrus’ (VAB) fan club president (host) is fawning
— The first appearance this recurring sketch has made in over a year, and this ends up being its final appearance. It’s also been revamped and updated in tonight’s installment, to match Miley Cyrus’ new, more adult style.
— Odd how this recurring sketch is buried so late in tonight’s episode. All of the previous installments of this sketch aired in the first half of their respective episodes, most of those installments being in the lead-off spot.
— I got a pretty good laugh from Jason-as-Billy-Ray-Cyrus’ facial reaction to Vanessa-as-Miley’s “adult” butthole joke (the fourth above screencap for this sketch).
— Pretty cringeworthy seeing Bieber try to play a dorky character.
— Bieber’s character, when talking about Justin Bieber himself: “He looks like a f– a lesbian!” Okay, much like Bieber’s aforementioned “r” word slip-up in the Bieber Doubles sketch, did he cut himself off from dropping an f-bomb here?
— Cue the lame attempt at meta humor with Bieber doing the obligatory “celebrity humorously defends themselves while playing a character” gag, which this recurring sketch did better when the real Miley Cyrus herself previously appeared in this sketch.
— After Bieber’s character’s meta comment about Justin Bieber himself being sorry for smoking weed, I did get a laugh from Vanessa’s Miley responding to that with a sarcastic-but-cheery “Yeah, right, me too!”
— Taran even has the ability to get a good laugh just from saying “I do” in a dignified British accent.
— Ugh at Bieber’s exaggerated, hammy pointing gestures towards Vanessa’s Miley (the last above screencap for this sketch) while she’s singing the closing theme song. Beyond annoying.
— Overall, despite a few highlights and a fairly interesting updated format, this was far from the best way for this recurring sketch to go out.
STARS: **
PROTECTIVE BROTHER
(host)’s girlfriend’s (NAP) brother Eddie (TAK) mocks his verbal slip-up
— Some decent laughs from Taran’s initial grilling of Bieber over his “glice” slip-up, before the “I’m messing with you!” reveal.
— Ha, are they seriously basing an entire sketch on the stupid “glice” slip-up? I find that fact both kinda amusing and very worrying.
— Taran’s doing his damnedest to make the best out of this thin-as-hell, very questionable material. His attempts are sorta working for me, but my feelings are mixed.
— Great angry outburst from Jason to Taran, and I love his furious delivery of the term “horse’s ass!”, which is quite reminiscent of how Will Ferrell said it at one point of the Sensitive Drill Sergeant sketch from back in the day.
— Ugh at the part with Taran complimenting Bieber’s physical features while forcefully positioning Bieber’s face towards the camera, as these compliments are clearly just designed to pander to screaming Bieber fans in the audience, who have refused to shut up all night, screaming at every little thing Bieber does in every single sketch.
— Speaking of Will Ferrell-esque line deliveries, I like how Taran yelling “I HAVE THE ARMS OF A BAT!” was very Ferrell-esque in both the line itself and Taran’s delivery of it.
STARS: **½
A SEXY VALENTINE’S DAY MESSAGE FROM JUSTIN BIEBER
manchild Taco (BOM) is present during host’s sexy Valentine’s Day message
— Funny reveal of Bobby as a much-needed comic relief character in what was initially a Bieber solo piece (yuck).
— Some okay random, oddball humor here, and it probably helps that this is pre-taped, but I’m still not finding this all that great.
STARS: **½
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
host & Dan Kanter [real] perform “Nothing Like Us”
VALENTINE’S DANCE
Principal Frye maintains order during abstinence-themed Valentine’s dance
— Another cringeworthy attempt from Bieber at playing a dork.
— The gag with Jay’s microphone not working when he’s trying to say his usual “Attention, teachers and stuuudents”, then him being handed a new microphone was seemingly a scripted gag, but it came off like a real blooper with the way it was executed.
— It turns out that Bieber actually isn’t all that bad in this sketch. However, I really could’ve done without him ending his first scene in this by doing that intentionally bad rapping.
— A cliched gag with one person in an abstinent couple being very on-edge from their abstinence, which SNL has already done several times prior to this. However, I do like Nasim’s execution of it here. Also, her performance, especially her delivery, is coming off quite Cheri Oteri-esque.
STARS: ***
GOODNIGHTS
IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— Definitely a rough episode. While certainly not an outright disaster like one would expect a Justin Bieber-hosted episode to be, I gave a majority of this episode’s segments a rating below three stars, and nothing got a rating above three-and-a-half stars. Easily the weakest episode of this season so far, managing to bump the preceding Adam Levine-hosted episode from that spot. And it goes without saying what an unbearable and unfunny host Justin Bieber was. Aside from a few segments towards the end of the show, I couldn’t shake that unlikable vibe that I got from him right from his monologue. He was especially unlikable in what I otherwise found to be the best sketch of the night by default (Bieber Doubles). Knowing the backstage horror stories from the week of this episode that Bill Hader would later share about Bieber made it even more difficult for me to NOT get a douchey vibe from Bieber all night.
MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS
RATED SEGMENTS RANKED FROM BEST TO WORST
Bieber Doubles
Super Bowl XLVII
Valentine’s Dance
50’s Romance
Weekend Update
A Sexy Valentine’s Day Message From Justin Bieber
Protective Brother
The Miley Cyrus Show
Monologue
The Californians
Bravo
HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Adam Levine)
a slight step down
My full set of screencaps for this episode is here
TOMORROW
Christoph Waltz